No birthday this year.

But in three short years, by my calculation I’ll be seven years old.

When FalStaff advertised for the position that I currently hold, it read like most ads do. They wanted you to have this skill and that. As it turned out, I had the exact skills that they required. I was the perfect candidate (for a job that doesn’t exist, but that’s another story). I only lacked one bullet:

• Must be detail-oriented.

It seems that every employer - particularly in the IT sector - wants someone detail-oriented.

But the great thing about a soft skill like that is that you can fake your way through it. As long as you don’t walk in saying “Sorry I’m late for the interview, I couldn’t remember whether you said it was on 23rd street or 19th” or somesuch.

My detail-oriented facade lasted less than half a day.

I was down in the breakroom trying to get some food from the vending machine. There was a sign that said “Press button thoroughly.”

I wanted item #11 and so I pressed 1 and 1. Nothing. I pressed it again and got nothing again.

Both trying to figure out how exactly to get the machine to work and also make conversation with one of my new coworkers, I asked mousy coworker how this “durned” machine worked.

I guess I can have a bombastic demeanor cause when I mumbled and grumbled about it, she thought I was genuinely upset and I scared her. Mouse scurried her way as far away from me as possible.

I slinked off to a chair and tried to figure out how to improve my interpersonal skills and, while I was at it, dealing-with-coin-operated-machinery ones.

When she could see that I wasn’t going to bother her anymore, she went to the machine, put her money in, and hit the #11 button.

My first day on the job and somehow I had missed the fact that the buttons went from 1-20.

How’s that for detail-oriented?

Spell-check: Woah there, buddy, this thing says “addendums”.

Me: I know.

SC: That’s not right…

Me: I know. Ignore.

SC: It says “addendums” here, too.

Me: I can’t deviate from the original. Even when the original is wrong. Ignore.

SC: You must mean addenda or maybe addendum’s?

Me: No, it says addendums.

SC: But it’s wrong.

Me: I know.

SC: Fix it. Agendums?

Me: No. Addendums.

SC: What’s wrong with you?

Me: They are paying the company to pay me to make our employment contracts match the original. The original says “addendums.”

SC: You’re not even allowed to fix what you and any semi-literate individual knows?

Me: Nope.

SC: Sounds like your job would be a lot easier without a brain.

Me: Sometimes.

SC: Being a lowly spellcheck, I never thought I would ever say this, but I feel sorry for you.

Me: Your sympathy is greatly appreciated.

SC: How about addends?

Me: Ignore All.

SC: What in tarnation is a “Emploeye”?

Me: Something we can correct.

SC: Thank goodness…