I had a dream a few nights back about my ex-girlfriend Evangeline. I was sitting alone on a couch with her. We were talking about this and that. I don’t really remember what. We weren’t flirting, but there was an uncomfortable warmth and ease. It was reminiscent of when we talked after I had met Clancy. There was the feeling that conversation between us was never this easy when it mattered most.
She paused and interrupted me. “There’s something I need to tell you…”
I nodded. “I know. I read it on his blog. When is the wedding?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I thought about emailing you or calling you. But I had no idea what to say.”
—-
The dream was unusual only insofar as it was picture perfect for what could have taken place. I have been mulling over what kind of congratulations to give her off and on since I found out about her pending marriage. I feel like I shouldn’t feel anything at all, but in a way I do. It’s neither happiness (which would be appropriate) nor regret (which would be unfortunate in more than one way). It really isn’t often that I feel something that I cannot easily identify.
My, you do still have a bit of a fixation to this girl. How much is Clancy aware of the extent she remains in your thoughts?
Comment by Barry — September 10, 2007 @ 11:59 am
“Fixation” makes it sound like I can’t get her out of my mind, which isn’t accurate.
I think about her the same way that I think about Walt. This sort of ghost that lives in the back of my mind that resurfaces from time to time, usually because of some sort of trigger. She resurfaced lately because I was pointed to a post of her boyfriend’s about their engagement. After that I actually hadn’t thought about it all that much until the dream.
I have another post coming up later this week with my final thoughts on the matter, after which I’ll turn my Ghostland attention towards some other subject.
As for Clancy, even though she rarely comments she does read this blog. She’s not Eva’s biggest fan, to say the least, but she hasn’t expressed any concerns. Eva is not a factor in the health of our marriage or in my feelings about her. She knows that I’m kind of a neurotic person and that I think about and analyze a whole lot of things.
Comment by trumwill — September 10, 2007 @ 1:24 pm
That makes more sense. A ghost that hovers in the background, popping up from time to time to haunt your memories
I know what you mean. I have a similar ghost that I’d love to write about someday, but I don’t think my wife would appreciate it (she reads my site, too). The “ghost” was long ago and the story happened before my wife and I even met, but she and the ghost’s lives overlap somewhat, so there’s a bit of history.
Maybe someday I’ll write it
Comment by Barry — September 11, 2007 @ 8:22 am
If Clancy had a problem with my writing about ex-girlfriends, I’d stop in a heartbeat. I’ve refrained from posting or pulled posts on subjects that she’s uncomfortable about.
The fact that only four people from my non-blog life know about this site helps give me a wide berth. She’d probably be more sensitive it this were being read by more people that knew her.
Comment by trumwill — September 13, 2007 @ 8:09 pm