I had a somewhat depressing conversation with my wife over last weekend. We were keeping an eye on the future. She’s going to be taking a couple months off when her current contracts ends. It’ll be great for her in a number of respects. She’ll get to visit family and friends, get caught up on a massive sleep deficit.
She’ll also get to spend time with me. During the conversation the thought crossed my mind, “It’ll be great to get to know this person that I have been married to for three years.”
Wonderful, and a bit scary. I have not known Clancy when she wasn’t a medical school student, a resident, or otherwise working resident hours. Her life and her identity have been on hold for years now. She hasn’t gotten to do many of the things she enjoys doing. We have gotten a total of two vacations together, including our honeymoon. I barely know what she’s like when she’s not stressed, sleepy, anxious, or mentally and physically exhausted. I don’t know what it’s like for a full weekend together to be something less than an event to be celebrated.
Of course, part of me worries. What if we’re only compatible when she’s around part-time? One of my strong points as a husband is the ability to be a calming influence, a friendly ear, and a sense of perspective in the wave-on-wave beachfront of her life. What if her diminished energy somehow helps give me a parity in the relationship that I might otherwise lack? Or inversely, what if some of her current weaknesses are not as much a product of her unbelievably harsh schedule as I have been assuming?
These are not the sorts of things that keep me up at night, mind you, but every now and again they cross my mind. It’s all part of the original deal that I accepted when I partnered up for her, when I chose her over Eva, and when I proposed to her. Nonetheless, it’s an odd feeling to wonder at this point what my marriage will be like once I get to know who my spouse really is.
I have heard and experience that you truly don’t get to know someone until you have seen them under stress… by your account you have already gotten to known her at her most difficult times.
Also, when you talk about her weaknesses, I am sure you will be able to accept them if they are truly hers because you love her… it is good to excuse them, but never accept something you do not agree with only based on stress… meaning, if you would not accept her weaknesses because they are weaknesses, I believe you should not “excuse” them just because of stress level.
Comment by logtar — May 23, 2007 @ 9:58 am
Just wait until Clancy finds out that her nom de blog is actually a man’s name
Comment by Peter — May 23, 2007 @ 12:56 pm
I’m not sure why the conversation was depressing, but I’ll take your word for it.
I think that people are always changing, and how they act will be different in different situations, even at different ages. So, this is something couples always have to deal with, even if their lives are humdrum. You do know who she is. Your just getting a change of circumstances — for the better, it sounds like.
Comment by Spungen — May 23, 2007 @ 3:43 pm
Spungen,
The conversation was depressing because we’ve been together for as long as we have and I don’t know what she’s like when she’s not up against a wall of one sort or another. And a part of me wonders if that isn’t a pillar in the fluidity of our marriage. To take another example, tension and conflict was a pillar in my relationship with Evangeline. Without it we may have had the most wonderful relationship in the world… or everything could have fallen apart. In either case, it would have been a completely different thing.
Good point about people always changing.
Comment by trumwill — May 23, 2007 @ 11:03 pm
Peter,
She didn’t like the Clancy moniker when she first got it, but now she thinks it fits. It fit a lot more than the two other names I was considering. Anyhow, she’s (re-)named after a female who was named after a female who was given a male name
.
Comment by trumwill — May 23, 2007 @ 11:05 pm
Logtar,
I completely agree. It’s in times of stress that you see someone’s integrity and personal grace, both of which Clancy has never lost (at least when it comes to dealing with me).
Comment by trumwill — May 23, 2007 @ 11:11 pm
Then you are golden Will, GOLDEN!
Comment by logtar — May 24, 2007 @ 9:59 am