There is (or was) a printer manufacturer by the name of Okidata. Okidata produced the worst printers ever. The quality was terrible, ink usage was obscene, and mechanical problems frequent. So how did they stay in business as long as they did? Because they didn’t sell printers to people. They sold them to computer manufacturers who included them free with the computers they sold. They were worthless, but worthless sells when your buyers aren’t your end-users.

My Aunt Evelyn is legendary for bad Christmas gifts. It’s not that she’s thrifty or thoughtless — quite the contrary. She just seems to miss the mark. Upon finding out that I like to write, she gave me a few art supplies over a couple years way back when I guess cause she figured writers like to draw as well. I also got a really nice dress shirt… that was pink. This year, however, Evelyn hit a home run with some fancy-schmancy peanuts. They’re really good for breakfast and healthier than my usual (a post in and of itself).

This year the bum gift came surprisingly from my father. Like Evelyn, it was a thoughtful gift (though I hope not an expensive one). And in its ideal state, it would have been a good one. Dad got his Atomic Alarm Clock a couple years back and has absolutely loved it. We all thought it was really cool. It automatically figured out the time, adjusted itself for daylight savings and if you changed timezones. Pretty neat stuff.

So I was pretty excited when I got my own Atomic Alarm Clock. It didn’t look quite as nice as Dad’s, but I don’t need one that fancy. Since the initial excitement, I’ve discovered that it would make a good paperweight, but little else.

The most immediate, surprising, and irritating problem was the lack of a power cord. A cursory glance even failed to find a power cord jack, meaning that this thing was meant entirely to run on batteries! That wouldn’t be a problem for a clock that sets itself, but…

The next problem is that I live in a basement apartment, so the little remote dealie-bob that’s supposed to get the time from the nearest military base or wherever doesn’t work. But it’s not entirely that I live in an apartment. If I aim it out the window, it still doesn’t work.

Okay, so I have to set it. What’s the big deal? Well every time the battery dies, I’m going to have to reset the stupid thing. And unlike setting most clocks which have 2-4 settings (hours and minutes on clock and alarm), this one has the day, month, year, daylight savings status, and so on.

On a separate note, why is it that clocks can only be set forward? I understand why that would be with analog clocks, but why digital? Am I the only person in the world that needs to move my alarm not only forward, but backwards as well? One thing I can say in this clock’s favor is that it lets me at least move it ahead hour at a time whereas my existing clock will only allow me to do it a minute at a time. So with that I figured I could still use it as an alarm clock because it would be easier to set than my existing one.

I figured wrong.

The first problem with using it as a bedroom-clock is that you can’t see it in the dark. You can hit a button and a light will turn on, but you have to be active about it. I suppose having it on continuously would deplete the batteries it shouldn’t be dependent on in the first place. No matter, even if I could see it in the dark and even if I could go to sleep without worrying that its batteries might die and even if I could actually set it backwards instead of forwards, it has the most apologetic alarm ever. The flushing toilet from across the apartment generates more noise.

I try to make it a point to use gifts, but I can find almost no practical use for it that would justify the battery usage. I wonder what other people use it for? I can’t imagine that anyone who buys this clock would not immediately return it or try to. I am wondering if it’s geared mostly towards Christmas gifts or something, separating the end-user from the buyer.