Trumwill was nice enough to lend me a guest-post (I think he’s trying to encourage me to start my own blog). I was wanting some perspective on something.
About a year ago, I was dumped by a girl I’d been dating for about nine months (”Scarlett”). Getting dumped sucks, but what really got to me was the reason she gave. “I’m tired of dating boys. I want to date men.”
This flew me into a silent rage because when I think of man-boys, I think of unemployed or underemployed schmucks who sit around and play World of Warcraft all day in their parents’ basement. But between her and me, there was only one of us that had a well-paying, full-time job and the self-sufficiency that comes with us. It wasn’t her. I’d paid her rent twice when her father started giving her too hard a time about it. I’ve worked at the same company for almost five years while she had quit her last job because her “boss was mean.”
When I told my flatmate (”Miss Blue”) about it, though, she hesitated and said that Scarlett had a point on some things. I keep my room pretty spartan and if it wasn’t for Miss Blue, the common area would be the same. I drive an old car. I dressed like a bum when I wasn’t at work. So Miss Blue helped me out, bought some furniture for my room, and helped me pick out some more presentable clothes. I don’t know if it helped or not, but it certainly didn’t hurt.
My 1996 Geo Prizm is on its last legs. I bought it in 2003 and it’s served me well. But now it randomly dies when driving uphill. In the flatlands where I live, that’s not a problem. Except on entrance ramps. The first repair guy says the transmission needs to be replaced, a second the engine. Either way, it’s more than the car is worth.
The car was another thing that Miss Blue mentioned during our Coming to Jesus talk. As practical as the car was, maybe it was time to upgrade. What good is all the money I make if I don’t spend it? If I act poor, and make the same sort of purchases that a man-boy does, can I really blame the ladies for thinking of me like one of them?
There are things you can and can’t say on a first date. It’s considered in poor taste to mention a six-figure salary. It sounds like bragging to say that I could buy a Lexus tomorrow, if I wanted to. But pulling up in a Lexus? That you can do and almost nobody thinks bad of you for doing it. I gave in on the clothes and the furniture, but it’s more difficult for me to do that with the car. The very reason I have a retirement plan and a 24-month unemployment slush fund is because I don’t do things like going out and buying Lexuses (Lexii?), that I have a flatmate, and all that.
So I end up a rich man leading a poor man’s lifestyle. I’m content with it, for the most part. Part of me wants to say “if she has a problem with that, it’s her problem.” I don’t want a concubine. I don’t want someone who digs me because I’m rich (for a 28 year old). I’d far rather a woman impressed with a 401(k) than a sports car. On top of that, about a third of the time I’m driving a rental car, anyway. And every time I look at the car, I’ll be realizing that I bought it for someone else.
On the other hand, I don’t know how picky I can afford to be. I have some things going against me, too, like a job that takes me out of town for weeks at a time. And there’s a symmetry between what I am doing and the person that goes into debt to buy flashy things they can’t afford. We’re miscommunicating our material value. So some chick that maybe would be cool with my money going into a retirement account might never get the chance to find out that’s my plan.
So as I go car shopping, what do I do? Do I get another cheap-ass car that gets the job done and nothing else? Do I bite the bullet and get a Lexus to potentially please some woman I’ve never met but might want to? Or do I get the car I want? The one I’ll be able to smile about because the total cost of ownership is under $300 (instead of over $600)? Or do I admit that people are what they are, make judgments accordingly, and get something that will accurately represent the fact that I’m a self-sufficient adult?
I make a good living, which was one of the reasons I could pay Scarlett’s rent without blinking. I could buy a Lexus tomorrow, in cash. With Scarlett, this shouldn’t have been an issue because she knew these things.
My suggestion would be to compromise somewhere in the middle. Get rid of the Geo, which sounds like it’s about to give up the ghost soon, but don’t put in crimp in your investments by buying a Lexus. Go for a mid-range car like an Accord or Sonata, something that will be attractive and nice to drive, but which won’t bust your budget.
Comment by Peter — June 20, 2011 @ 10:42 am
I find mid-sized cars to be ugly. Small cars, I can take. Fiestas, Yaris, etc., look better to me than anything other than a sports car. Hell, I think pickups look better than mid-sized cars.
They all look like the old Taurus. Bleah.
Comment by Kirk — June 20, 2011 @ 11:51 am
First off, she’s wrong about the financial stuff, obviously. Someone who’s financially responsible and saves his money is a better man than someone who blows all his money on fancy cars and and as big a home as he can afford. You’re probably better off never having had a joint checking account with her.
Second, you can’t always take this stuff at face value. The reasons a girl gives for breaking up with you may or may not be accurate. Honestly, you sound a lot like me, but none of this has ever been an issue for me. One time a girl cried when she saw my apartment (it was in a state of disarray while I was reorganizing, but mostly she was just weird), but ultimately I was the one who broke up with her, and not until months later.
If the accusation is that you’re not a real man, I would guess that she tried to push you around and you let her. At least, that’s what it was the one time a girl said that to me.
That said, it wouldn’t hurt to signal that you’re not pathologically thrifty—that a woman who marries you isn’t going to end up living in poverty despite you having a multi-million-dollar 401(k). That doesn’t mean buying a brand-new Lexus—there’s a lot of middle-ground between that and buying the cheapest car you can find.
By the way, who has a “401(k)” and a “flatmate?” Are you a British immigrant to the US?
Comment by Brandon Berg — June 20, 2011 @ 6:41 pm
Yeah, if you decide to signal, there are better ways than with a car. See if there’s anything that you enjoy that you can spend money on - and can be appreciated by girls. I am fairly thrifty as a rule - though less so than you seem to be - but I enjoy cooking and spend some money on high quality ingredients. Much, much cheaper than a car, and more fun for me than a BMW.
Comment by PeterW — June 20, 2011 @ 7:18 pm
With the used car market being what it is, buying new might be the best route anyway. I think you have to look at your car problem in two parts. First, it’s a Geo. Second, it’s old (which it has to be, since your car may have been one of the last ones they made). Just getting a new car would probably be a step up, even if it’s not a Lexus.
Comment by trumwill — June 20, 2011 @ 7:53 pm
The reason she gave you for dumping you was a red herring.
What she meant was: You are so beta that my pussy no longer gets wet around you.
No man worth his salt would ever been seen driving a Geo.
Also, the minute you paid her rent for her, she lost all respect for you. It is one thing to buy something nice, but a cash payment is something else. The fact that you did this twice in less than a year is super beta.
Grow a pair.
Comment by Mike Hunt — June 20, 2011 @ 9:40 pm
Brandon, Peter, and Will: Maybe you’re on to something. I guess there’s no reason I would need to go from one extreme to the other. Just avoiding another old car, or another Geo-like car, may be enough. I guess a Kia would be out of bounds?
Comment by Mr. Blue — June 20, 2011 @ 10:03 pm
Brandon: Is it the fact that I live with somebody but have enough savings the part that confuses you, or that I use the term “flatmate”? The latter is a product of Miss Blue’s influence. She’s from India, but speaks British.
To be honest, I don’t care all that much if that was really why she broke things off. It was something that apparently did bother her (she had apparently been complaining about this to her friend the previous couple of months). While she can go to hell, there may be somebody worth having who shares her prejudices.
Comment by Mr. Blue — June 20, 2011 @ 10:59 pm
Mike: A woman who asks you to do something for her and loses respect for you when you do it is not one I want. I can budge on the car, but I won’t budge on that.
Kirk (and Mike): A Geo Prizm is a Toyota Corrolla with a different logo and lower used car price tag. It’s a compact and not a mid-size. Before I started thinking about Lexuses, I was considering a Ford Five Hundred, a full-size with a lower price tag because they didn’t call it a Taurus.
Comment by Mr. Blue — June 20, 2011 @ 11:08 pm
Hey, I married a guy just like you Mr. Blue!
Seriously, it sounds to me like you should be dating Miss Blue. She seems to be the main woman in your life who cares about you as a person.
Comment by Maria — June 21, 2011 @ 2:53 pm
On the one hand, I think all of the “signaling” stuff is mostly BS. Frankly, I think the vast majority of the women in this world that are worth having don’t really care what car you choose to drive. Of course, I’m happily married, so maybe I “just don’t get it.”
On the other hand, it sounds like you’re pretty far off on one end of the spectrum in terms of how much you make and how much you spend. If you don’t really have concrete ideas for what you’ll spend some of that on (early retirement, travel, charity, etc.), one could argue that you’re being mildly obsessive-compulsive about things, making your life more difficult than it really needs to be. You could buy a new compact car (Civic, Corolla, Forte…whatever), run it until it starts getting to the point of your current Geo (and repeat the cycle from there) and spend a lot less time at the mechanic (something most people would appreciate). That might make you seem a little less “out there” to women who might be sympathetic to your frugality but could be concerned about the OCD aspect.
Comment by Linus — June 21, 2011 @ 6:55 pm
Maria: Seriously, it sounds to me like you should be dating Miss Blue.
Yeah, what’s up with that? Is one of you out of the others’ league? Is she a blood relative?
Comment by Mike Hunt — June 21, 2011 @ 8:05 pm
“But between her and me, there was only one of us that had a well-paying, full-time job and the self-sufficiency that comes with us. It wasn’t her. I’d paid her rent twice when her father started giving her too hard a time about it. I’ve worked at the same company for three years while she had quit her last job because her “boss was mean.””
Sounds as if your immaturity is reflected in your taste in women.
Comment by Sheila Tone — June 22, 2011 @ 12:32 am
Miss Blue and I are ethnically incompatible.
Comment by Mr Blue — June 22, 2011 @ 9:34 am
14.Miss Blue and I are ethnically incompatible.
Okay, but don’t go for any more “Scarletts” either. No woman of honor or decency would allow a guy to pay her rent for her, and no woman with any kind of financial sense would let herself get into that kind of pickle in the first place.
Seriously dude, what were you thinking?
Comment by Maria — June 22, 2011 @ 5:02 pm
Buy a three-year-old Lexus. Similar signaling value, and someone else has eaten a third of the price in depreciation.
Comment by CGHill — June 22, 2011 @ 8:09 pm
Does your name refer to the color of your testicles?
Miss Blue and I are ethnically incompatible.
Hmmm. I’m not sure this is possible in 2011.
What are your ethnicities?
Maybe there are still a couple that would cause conflict…
Muslim/Jew
Irish Protestant/Irish Catholic
Hindu/Pakistani
Japanese/other Oriental
Cowboy/Indian
Comment by Mike Hunt — June 24, 2011 @ 5:21 am