A while back I wrote about wedding invites and social intrigue. That was a case of a young woman dedicating her wedding to the memory of her mother to spite her father and his girlfriend.
I’ve never seen anything like that happen, but it is not infrequently the case where people will refuse to attend a wedding if so-and-so is going to be there. My own wedding was pretty scandal-free with the exception of my ex-girlfriend’s decision not to attend because her ex-boyfriend was going to be there with his fiance. I actually have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about that, actually. Actually, the bigger problem I had was that she wouldn’t come out and say that. Instead, she was “too busy”. Frankly, I find a broken heart to be much more understandable than I do the relative indifference of being too busy.
The only time I was keenly aware of invitational intrigue was when it came to Evangeline. Her father left her mother for a younger model and her mother refused to attend any wedding that the step-mother was going to be attending. Eva and I rarely discussed marriage, but to the extent that we did her parents were a rather central part. Her father wouldn’t attend if the step-mother was not invited and her mother would not attend otherwise. So she was going to be forced to choose. In the alternate history I wrote there were two weddings so that each could attend one, but that was an unsatisfying prospect. When Eva did marry, her father won. But it was streamed over the Internet so her mother got to see.
To me, protesting a wedding is one of the most arrogant and selfish things that a person can do. The decision not to attend someone’s wedding says quite a bit about your relationship with them. If it is a casual acquaintance, that’s one thing. The relationship is casual. There were people that didn’t come to my wedding that I was perfectly cool with. There was only one person who didn’t attend that I felt hurt by even though I would have really loved it if my ex-roommate Dennis had shown up as well as others. But that’s life. But to refuse to attend a daughter’s wedding because someone that you don’t like is going to be there says more about your relationship with your daughter than it does about the actions of the person that you refuse to be within a hundred yards of. It’s their day. I actually got a lot more irate about all of this than did Evangeline.
It’s of course spottier when it comes to friends. My ex-roommate Dennis initially refused to go to my ex-roommate Hubert’s wedding because of the Might Ducks Three Debacle and Karl was going to be at the wedding. Fortunately, good sense won out. Dennis didn’t attend, allegedly because of a broken down car, but at least he was self-aware enough to come up with a good and credible excuse rather than to be all self-important and to suggest that his feud with Karl touched off by that awful movie was more important than his friendship with Hubert.
I myself only barely attended Hubert’s wedding. I had a good excuse, but it was as much an excuse as anything else. Our relationship had not yet repaired and the idea of seeing the attention-domineering ex-roommate actually be the center of attention was not something I was looking forward to. As it turned out, though, he was already getting the attention he craved so he was as happy as a junebug and when he is genuinely happy he is at his best. And since our relationship has since repaired, I’m glad that I could be a part of a very special day for him.
I have never refused to attend a wedding, but I did tell a bride that I could not be a groomsman if she did not relent on one issue. She had invited everyone’s kids, except for one cousin whose kids weren’t invited. She did not want to invite her cousin’s kids because she was afraid her cousin would RSVP yes and then no-show. That struck me as disgusting, to exclude someone’s kids for such a petty reason. (Obviously, it would be different if no one’s kids were invited. But there were kids running around all over the place at the wedding.) So I told her that I could not in good conscience participate as a groomsman because if I did, I would not be able to look this person in the eye. I told the bride that if it were a matter of money, I would pick up the tab for this family of five. She relented and invited the kids, and fortunately they never found out that they weren’t wanted. The bride was furious with me, to say the least, but time has healed that wound, at least as far as I know. So, Will, am I as obnoxious as the people in your column?
Comment by Kevin — May 20, 2009 @ 11:51 am
No, I’d say that there is a difference between attending a wedding and participating in it.
I had a friend several years back who was invited to participate in a special wedding in some protestant denomination I can’t recall. They have special positions called “Guardians” whose job is sort of like that as God-parents. You take an oath to watch over the younger couple and help them find their way. The thing is that to take that position you have to be baptized into their denomination (and the guardians were supposed to be married themselves).
Anyway, the chosen couple was not of the denomination (or very religious at all) and so they declined. The bride got upset and told them that they had two whole years to convert (long engagement) and was offended when they wouldn’t (”You’re not religious. Why do you care?”). The wedding occurred (or maybe didn’t occur) after I’d left Delosa and lost touch. I had to side with the couple that refused to convert on that one.
Comment by trumwill — May 20, 2009 @ 12:33 pm
Couldn’t Evangeline have worked out an arrangement with her parents under which each one attended part of the reception? For instance, one parent would be there for the first half, then he or she would leave, and a few minutes later the other would arrive. It would take some coordination, but might be the only way to ensure that she got to see both of them.
Comment by Peter — May 20, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
If she had less unreasonable parents that would have been possible. Unfortunately, what probably would have happened was that her father would have said that he wouldn’t attend either event if his wife weren’t invited to both. The other factor is that I think that she genuinely wanted to get married away from Colosse and her mother never, ever leaves the city. She only leaves her home when she has to.
Comment by trumwill — May 20, 2009 @ 11:28 pm
As far as this goes (and the whole argument is silly) but the practical solution would have been for the new wife to stay home, let dad come by himself and mom come by herself. They could sit far from each other and not interact, and mom wouldn’t have to see new wife at all.
New wife wasn’t related to daughter, probably wasn’t close, and was a sticking point in a family squabble. The polite thing for her to do was go shopping that day and let the family do their thing.
Of course, as I said it’s all silly and everyone should’ve attended and been gracious and grown-up about everything together - divorces and remarriages happen, and people can be mature about these things - but absent that maturity, new wife staying home would’ve been the best choice. And Eva probably should’ve insisted on it if nothing else.
Comment by Barry — May 21, 2009 @ 6:24 am
To me, the most practical thing is for the mother to ignore the step-mother’s presence and accept that almost fifteen years came and went since the divorce. The second most practical thing is to bench step-mom (particularly since she and Eva aren’t particularly close). So I think we’re in basic agreement.
Interestingly, there remains a lot of affection between Eva’s mother and father. You might not want to sit them together, but almost all of her hostility is directed at his wife.
Comment by trumwill — May 21, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
I haven’t been to a wedding in twenty years. I can’t imagine turning down an invitation due to something stupid.
Comment by Kirk — May 22, 2009 @ 2:13 am
I agree that attending weddings is not really something to debate if you live in the same town. I’m always amazed at how personal people make weddings about them and not the actual bride/groom.
Comment by Becky — June 2, 2009 @ 2:30 pm