I was listening to one of my mix CDs on the way to work when I ran across a couple signiture songs by Rick Garland*. Though it had little or nothing to do with the content of the music, it couldn’t help but make me think of my ex-girlfriend Evangeline. In some ways I think those recordings always will because when that CD was recorded, Evangeline and I were in attendance. It was the last time that we saw each other that didn’t involve breaking up or trying to find the equilibrium a broken couple often embarks on the quixotic journey to find.

Colosse is a reasonably musical city. You can walk up and down Music Alley and catch all kinds of would-be stars and in some cases nationally-recognized artists that you would figure would be playing in larger venues by that point. It made for an active social life for even a loner like me. It also has a great “I knew him when” feel. For instance I was watching CMT and blurted out: “Hey, I used the urinal next to that guy once!”

That would have to be one of the things that I miss most about Colosse. Some days it makes me not even want to listen to the music because it will make me a bit homesick. But then again one of the reasons I was ready to leave Colosse was because so much of my past was in that city it was getting harder to look forward. I’m not sure whether listening to Garland and the rest helps or hurts that feeling.

Earlier this year I got to take a trip back to Colosse (incuding a road trip around Delosa) and it was a similar swath of mixed feelings. I hadn’t slept in almost twenty-four hours when I got off the red-eye flight, but I still couldn’t sleep on the ride through Colosse to Mayne. The skyline alone made me giddy. And, of course, I got to see people I hadn’t seen in a long time including both Garland and Evangeline. I got to go see my high school and college campuses as well as old apartments.

It was a great trip down memory lane and it reminded me of all the things I love about my home city. But there was also a spooky feeling because it no longer seemed alive to me. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to prevent me from wanting to go back. I missed the city even as I was walking down Music Alley inside of it.

Part of the problem stems, I think, from the an uncertain future and the lack of a present. Clancy don’t know much about where we’re going to live a year from now (and in two years it’ll likely be somewhere else entirely). And we have no present because our social life is stunted in all kinds of ways social and religious. A residents’ schedule barely gives her time just to hang on and finding a social circle up here has been… difficult.

Added to that is our insular nature. Both of us come from places that are larger than life. We tend to have small social circles and neither has really expanded since college. Even between the two of us there isn’t time to do much. So I find myself looking towards the past. Both our past together and my past preceding her. It’s a great way to avoid the frustrations of the present and uncertainties of the future.

But it’s also a trap, and I think that’s really why I wasn’t engaged while I was out there. It’s sort of like seeing that old lover that you know was no good for you. You can be so worried about falling for him or her all over again that you don’t even enjoy catching up. I admired her beauty, her buildings, and her culture, but only insofar as I could build a comfortable distance behind my eyes.

{*- I don’t ordinarily plan to put pseudonyms on artists and celebrities, but in cases like this my secret identity is actually associated with the person in question. That’ll probably be the case for most of the Colosse music scene.}